If you thought getting everything you wanted in life was all about setting goals and achieving them, then think again….
In this article we’re going to look at why we won’t be successful approaching achievement and success the same way our parents did back in the “good old days” and what we can do about it instead.
If we ask our parents about ‘the good old days’, we’ll probably hear words like stable jobs, hard work, security, safe investments and retirement plans. It was a period characterized by financial, social and personal stability which meant that setting long-term goals actually made sense. Today, the world is changing at a fast pace which makes it kind of hard to set a goal for the next 20 or 30 years. In some ways, millennials are not so different from their parents. We desire happiness and wellbeing just as much as the previous generations.
During the 60’s, finding a job, raising a family and buying a house was relatively easy, especially if you were a hard-working, dedicated person. People had a greater sense of happiness and wellbeing because their needs were being met. In addition, their desires and aspirations where somewhat ‘modest’ compared to our generation.
Millennials have greater needs, desires and aspirations. They want to push the limits and conquer the world with their innovative ideas. It’s a praiseworthy ambition. Unfortunately, using the same old patterns our parents used doesn’t work anymore. Setting a goal and pursuing it, is simply not enough.
We need to change our mindset by adopting a whole new strategy and that’s what this article is all about. I want to offer a set of useful tools/ideas that will help you to shift from a 100% goal-oriented approach to a new, better alternative.
Why goal-setting is not always the best option
First of all, let’s take a closer look at the main reason why people choose to set goals. Dr. Helen Street, a globally respected researcher from the University of Western Australia, conducted a comprehensive literature review in hopes of finding the link between goal-setting and happiness.
Apparently, many of us are conditional goal setters. To be more specific, we pursue happiness and wellbeing through ‘material’ goals. For example, we believe that happiness (the ultimate goal) depends on lower order goals like having a stable job, owning a car, buying expensive clothes, etc. But happiness is an abstract goal. It only makes sense in the eyes of the person who seeks it and each of us sees happiness in a different way. So how can we pursue happiness through material goals?
The answer is, we can’t, because it’s just an illusion. Whether we reach our goal or not, the end result is always the same. We feel happy and satisfied for a short period of time, then we realize that something’s still missing.
According to a study, children are fully aware that happiness has nothing to do with goal achievement or failure. But as we grow up, we conform to society’s standards without asking ourselves whether we should follow the ‘herd’ or carve our own path. Another finding of the previous study suggests that measuring happiness through possessions and achievements is usually related to depression.
Basically, no matter how many goals we reach, it still feels like a rat race. Unhappy, unfulfilled and unaware, we start over by setting new goals.
But there is a silver lining here. Millennials (Gen-Ys, what ever you want to call us) are becoming more and more aware of this negative thought pattern. We’re starting to realize that there’s more to life than paying bills and having mortgages. True happiness is a lifelong pursuit, not a set of goals. Fortunately for us, there is an alternative to the goal-setting model, so allow me to introduce you to the concept of living a principle-centered life.
The Principle-Based Model, Resilience and What it Takes
In general terms, principles are stable and reliable constructs that will withstand the test of time. A set of good principles is like a creed. We live and die by it. Whether life throws us an opportunity or a curveball, our principles will always be there to inspire and guide us. Good principles are completely immune to outside changes because they’re planted deep into our personality.
It’s these principles that will ultimately contribute to your resilience. And resilience is a big deal if you want to be successful. Not convinced? Check out this article and TED Talk video to see why Resilience is actually the best predictor of future success.
Living a principle-based life requires a lot more than a few quick fixes. Finding and maintaining a robust set of principles can only be achieved through hard work, dedication and a positive attitude.
Before we move forward, let’s clarify the term ‘positive attitude’. Most of us probably live under the false impression that having a positive attitude means smiling a lot and thinking happy thoughts. For some people, it might mean throwing up a happy little Instagram photo, with a quirky/colourful filter and hashtagging the living daylights out of the word “Happy” (#Happy #Happytimes #HappyThoughts #SoHappy).
In reality, having a positive attitude is about focusing on personal growth, preventing problems from occurring and reacting to them effectively when they occur. Decades of research on Positive Psychology and the fascinating work of Barbara Lee Fredrickson, led to an amazing development – the Positivity ratio.
Basically, for every negative emotion, we need three positive ones to lift us up. As we saw earlier, living a principle-based life requires a growth-oriented mindset which can only be fueled by positive emotions. In other words, don’t struggle to eliminate negative emotions (because you can’t), try to find positive ones that will compensate for any damage caused by heartbreaking feelings or dysfunctional thoughts.
Last but not least, establishing a foundation of strong principles require 5 key elements:
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Openness – being more receptive to new opportunities.
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Gratitude – being thankful for who you are as a person, prevents negative emotions from ruining your mood (it’s hard to be stressed, depressed or angry when you are grateful).
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Kindness – Everyone knows how to take care of his/her own needs, but only a strong, principled and mature person can show kindness towards others.
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Curiosity – carves a direct path towards knowledge (and it doesn’t always have to kill the cat). Use curiosity to prompt you to ask better questions (remember, the better your questions the better the answers).
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Authenticity – creates the perfect setting for meaningful social interactions, based on trust and mutual respect.
Shifting to a new mindset brings a lot of changes in our personal life. But what about interpersonal life?
Have you ever wondered why smart kids finish last, while those carefree individuals seem to attract a lot of success? The answer is simple – Emotional Intelligence. According to a recent study, EI can even compensate for a lower IQ. As for our interpersonal life, EI is the catalyst for meaningful relationships.
There are hundreds of articles and books about this topic (click here to see one of my favourites), but in essence, it all comes down to empathy. The ability to ‘tune in’ and pick up on other people’s emotions. The easiest way to practice empathy is by listening to understand, not to respond. People are much more open and cooperative, when they feel like they’re not just being listened to, but also understood. Keep in mind that principles should govern both your personal and interpersonal life.
Once you’re open, kind, grateful, curious and authentic, we can move on to the next and final step which is to create a strong set of principles.
Shifting from goals to principles: an inside-out approach
We call it an inside-out approach because change starts from within ourselves and gradually ‘conquers’ our entire existence. Shifting to a principle-based model doesn’t mean that you’ll never set a goal in your entire life. You will, but in a different way.
Right now, our goals mostly depend on outside factors. We want to find good jobs (goal) in order to earn more money (outside factor). After reaching this goal, we usually start complaining about long hours, annoying managers or rude customers. Somehow, the answer is right in front of our eyes, but we seem to miss it. Do we really expect to satisfy an inner need by reaching an outer goal?
The difference between healthy and unhealthy goal-setting is the reason behind each goal. People who have a strong set of principles will set goals according to their values and norms. It doesn’t matter if a goal was or wasn’t reached, as long as they stood by their principles. In order to live a principle-based life, just follow these 3 basic steps:
1. Introspection – Create Your Inner-Identity
Introspection allows us to observe and interpret our mental states and emotions. It involves a long journey of self-discovery that will reveal the true nature of your problems. Change is impossible without a better understanding of yourself. Make a daily habit of sitting alone with your thoughts for at least 10 minutes. Note that this exercise is different from meditation. Ask yourself; “an outside observer, how would you describe yourself?” Be honest and write down whatever attributes come to mind. Once you unveil your true identity, it’s time to move on to step 2.
2. Own Your Inner-Identity
It’s a huge difference between knowing who you are and accepting who you are. Sometimes, there are parts of us that we’re not so proud of. The main reason why most of us feel disappointed, frustrated and stressed out is because we live in ways that are inconsistent with our true nature. We don’t accept ourselves like we should and we desperately try to deny our weaknesses and imperfections.
Acceptance can be achieved by taming our inner critic (that annoying voice which keeps saying “you’re not good enough”). Searching for evidence is the best way to reduce it to silence. Each time you hear the inner voice saying ‘you’re not good enough’, just ask why. It’s impossible to come up with real evidence for ‘imaginary’ issues.
Better yet, start to search for evidence of why you are good enough.
3. Write your own creed
Now that you’re fully aware of your identity, finding the right set of principles is the last step.
Writing a personal mission statement is something that only you know how to do. Make a list of your principles and write a sentence or two, based on them. For example, doctors have the Hippocratic Oath. Each and every one of their decisions should be guided by this oath.
Let’s look at a practical example. Suppose you’re stuck in a dead-end job and you want to get out as fast as you can. Unfortunately, it’s easier said than done. Just because you want a better-paid job doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re going to get it. Failing to achieve this goal will result in negative thinking and dysfunctional beliefs like ‘I’m never going to get a better job’ or ‘I’m not good enough’.
But what if you had a strong personal mission statement like for example ‘My purpose in life is to be independent, learn and achieve greatness’. This statement changes the entire dynamic of the problem. You’re no longer addressing the issue by taking care of your basic needs and reaching for outer goals, instead you seek guidance by turning to your values and principles. An unsuccessful interview is no longer a lost battle, it’s an opportunity to learn, every life situation gives you the chance to achieve greatness and sticking to your principles gives you all the freedom that you need.
When you build your life around a robust set of principles, you see the world just as it is. A place that it’s neither dark and scary, nor happy and cheerful. Simply put, it’s a place full of opportunities.
Keep in mind that your creed encompasses every principle that you deem fit for a happy and successful life. Every action, decision or goal should be inspired by your personal mission statement.
It’s up to you to decide what principles should govern your life. We’re just trying to give you the right tools to find them.